Living with a chronic illness can feel like climbing an uphill battle with no end in sight. Every day can be challenging. But it seems the most difficult for me is when things are going really well and then BAM you hit a brick wall. Everything comes to a screeching halt. I'll be having what seems like a good day, or several good days in a row, and then out of nowhere that all comes crashing down. I can't help but feel like that I am being punished for having a good day and enjoying life.
Monday, the Fourth of July was a great day for me. I enjoyed spending time with family and friends, eating amazing food and watching the fireworks. My hearing was the best that it had been in a long time so I didn't even have to concentrate on reading lips in conversations. I was able to relax and enjoy myself. I even rowed a boat a little that day, and found myself in a push-up competition. I felt amazing! ....well amazing for someone living with Meniere's disease. Unfortunately, I paid for that good day. For that ONE great day, I spent the next TWO days in bed too dizzy to move. I felt worthless and pathetic. After having a wonderful day I was now bed ridden, unable to even take care of myself. What did I do wrong?! Why was I being punished for enjoying life and being able to do what everyone else gets to do on a daily basis?
Unfortunately, I don't have the answers to these questions. All I know is that that's just the way it is. I have to learn that I can't over do one amazing day, otherwise I might regret it later. It's important to find balance and not take on too much all at once. But it is so difficult. For the past two days I've been lying in bed feeling sorry for myself, thinking about all the things I could be doing, but that I couldn't. And all I wanted to do when I was feeling better this morning was to play "catch up". I wanted to clean the house, do the laundry, work in my studio and prepare a healthy supper for me and my husband. But I had to slow down and think about the consequences to these choices. If I jump out of bed from being dizzy for two days straight I'll more than likely end up back in bed before the day is over. So I made a plan for the day and stuck it on the fridge:
1. Yoga
2. Clean house
3. Blog
That's it! Three things on my "to do" list for the entire day. I know it seems pathetic, but I know it's all I can handle right now. And trust me, I feel A LOT better about this list than I do about my wallowing around in bed for two days doing nothing list. I have to accomplish something and three things is something. With this list I'll feel like I have a purpose. It's not much of a purpose but hopefully if I keep my daily goals simple and attainable I will be able to add more to my list, and have more good days. Eventually, I could have two steps forward with only one step back. Or maybe event three or four steps forward, with only one step back. I realize that I can't beat Meniere's disease all together, but falling backwards doesn't have to happen every other day. And hopefully one day I will see the light at the end of the tunnel and so will you!
Much Love,
Shanon
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