tired

tired of the ringing. the buzzing, humming, popping. tired of the noise. tired of reading lips and saying "what?" when i didn't catch it all. tired of missing out on conversations. the tv's on but i can't hear it. i turn it up but it's just noise. understanding is impossible. everything and everyone sounds like charlie brown's teacher... wagh, wagh, wagh, wagh. the fluids in my ears are heavy. sitting up. standing. turning my head. it's all a struggle but i smile. i smile through it all. everyday i put on a brave face. i want to have a good day. but eventually i can't anymore. eventually i cry. i cry. i cry. i don't want to be dizzy anymore. i want to go shopping for new fall boots. i want to go on a bicycle ride. i want to hear christmas music. i want to drink a pumpkin spice latte on the back of a hay rack ride. i want to call my sister in indiana. i want to drive again, with the windows down singing to the radio. i want to go on a walk with my dogs and not cringe every time they bark. i want to hike, and jump and play. i don't want to lie down anymore. i'm tired. tired of this struggle. tired of this life. tired.