Sunday, October 23, 2011
tired
tired of the ringing. the buzzing, humming, popping. tired of the noise. tired of reading lips and saying "what?" when i didn't catch it all. tired of missing out on conversations. the tv's on but i can't hear it. i turn it up but it's just noise. understanding is impossible. everything and everyone sounds like charlie brown's teacher... wagh, wagh, wagh, wagh. the fluids in my ears are heavy. sitting up. standing. turning my head. it's all a struggle but i smile. i smile through it all. everyday i put on a brave face. i want to have a good day. but eventually i can't anymore. eventually i cry. i cry. i cry. i don't want to be dizzy anymore. i want to go shopping for new fall boots. i want to go on a bicycle ride. i want to hear christmas music. i want to drink a pumpkin spice latte on the back of a hay rack ride. i want to call my sister in indiana. i want to drive again, with the windows down singing to the radio. i want to go on a walk with my dogs and not cringe every time they bark. i want to hike, and jump and play. i don't want to lie down anymore. i'm tired. tired of this struggle. tired of this life. tired.
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i could have written this. I won't offer you any of the usual platitudes of hang in there, or it will get better. All I will say is that I completely understand how you feel. I know that it's not a real comfort, but some days all I need to hear is that someone else gets it. I also won't tell you that there are people out there that have it worse than you. I get so angry when people say that to me. It's not that I don't care about other's, it's that it has no bearing on how I am feeling at the moment. Allow yourself to feel how you're going to feel. I have often said that MD won't kill you, it just makes you wish you were dead. I'm not very good at the "cheering up" job. Sometimes you just have to be angry, tired, bitchy and cranky. You can always get in touch with me for understanding because I do know how you feel. The good the bad and the ugly.
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Thank you Jennifer. Thanks for "getting it". Thanks for being there. It helps.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are well now Jennifer. Thank you for putting your word out there for Meniere's sufferers. I work with a group of volunteers at Menieres-Help.Com. We have supported people for over 10 years and researched and studied triggers and underlying causes. We now know that nobody has to live with this. If you or any of your readers want more information and help with this , feel free to email us at meniereshelp:gmail.com
ReplyDeleteI understand more than I can explain.....right now I'm suffering with a sinus infection and the ringing in my ears is so loud, the preassure in my ears is so strong and my sinuses feel like they are going to burst put of my head....not to me turn the lovely bouts of dizziness and vertigo that make life feel impossible.I am a stay at home mother of 2 children who are home schooled....sometimes I panic do bad that I can't take care of them, I can't be alone, I'm scared...what if I get so dizzy all I can do is shut down but I cant...sigh :( it's nice to know there are other people who understand and can relate. Makes this just a little more easier. R- MD 3yrs
ReplyDeleteI understand more than I can explain.....right now I'm suffering with a sinus infection and the ringing in my ears is so loud, the preassure in my ears is so strong and my sinuses feel like they are going to burst put of my head....not to me turn the lovely bouts of dizziness and vertigo that make life feel impossible.I am a stay at home mother of 2 children who are home schooled....sometimes I panic do bad that I can't take care of them, I can't be alone, I'm scared...what if I get so dizzy all I can do is shut down but I cant...sigh :( it's nice to know there are other people who understand and can relate. Makes this just a little more easier. R- MD 3yrs
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