Finally, Acceptance

Here I was, after years of tests, FINALLY given my diagnosis of bi-lateral Meniere's Disease. I was relieved. Relieved not to have a tumor or some other deadly disease. I was relieved and ready for acceptance, but that's not quite how it works when going through a crisis. There are several steps between denial and acceptance that I had to go through and little did I know that I wasn't through with the first step of denial.

When I first came back from the Mayo Clinic I did pretty good at accepting my fate. I followed procedure and ate a low salt diet, although I never thought salt really affected me much, but it didn't hurt to watch it more closely. I also continued to stay away from alcohol and caffeine...no problem. My tinnitus and hearing loss continued to fluctuate in both ears, but I suffered through the bad days and enjoyed the good ones. When I had my occasional vertigo attack I would take my Dramamine and sleep it off. But the more it happened and the worse my hearing got the more denial I had. On top of it, I started to develop other symptoms like neck aches and poor circulation. I couldn't wear necklaces or scarves without having facial numbness and sometimes dizziness. I started wondering if this was really Meniere's Disease. And even if it is, there's got to be a way to fix it...there's GOT TO BE a cure (despite every medical professional telling me otherwise). I can't live like this! I was determined to find a long lost cure to whatever I was going through. I started searching the internet and seeing every doctor imaginable. I visited chiropracters, homeopathic doctors, neurologists, and many other specialists. I tried massages, accupuncture, NAET treatments, and countless supplements. I was told to eat low salt diets, no sugar, no carbs, no dairy, no gluten, etc. I was being pulled in every direction but I tried anything that I could think of that might fix my symptoms. My symptoms that I were certain were not Meniere's symptoms anymore. Unfortunately, nothing really worked. But the more I searched for an answer the more stressed I became and the worse my health got. My neck was constantly stiff and my dizziness was happening almost daily. I was developing numbness in my limbs and tingling down my back. I was finding it difficult to move, work or even get out of bed. I was starting to get really scared. I soon found myself bouncing around between the first four stages of grief. I was still denying that this was Meniere's Disease. I was angry that this was happening to me. What did I do to deserve this? When the bargaining set in I kept making promises that were impossible to follow through with. If someone could just tell me why this was happening I'll do whatever it takes to stop it. I'll stop eating sugar. I'll cut out the gluten from my diet. I'll stay away from salt. All of these things that I had tried before (without much success) but I wanted someone to make a deal with me. I wanted someone to say with certainty if I cut "X" out of my diet I would feel good again. But no one could make these "deals" with me. The more I came to this realization the more angry and stressed I got. Soon depression set in. And it was ugly.

I hate to go into the details here, mostly because I don't like "reliving" that horrible point in my life but in hopes to help someone reading I'll briefly talk about it. My depression was dark and lonely. I decided that there was nothing that could help me and I wanted it all to end. I wanted to end the constant buzzing, roaring in my ears. End the aches and pains. End the uncontrollable vertigo episodes. End the nausea and vomiting and headaches. I just wanted it all to end. And as far as I knew there was only one way to do that. Luckily, I never followed through with any crazy thoughts. It was a long, ugly depression, but I was lucky enough to have a husband who stood beside me through it all. He saw that this had gone far enough and he was going to do everything he could to get me better. He got me the help I needed, including counseling so I could learn to deal with the daily episodes. Once I was able to figure out that the attacks weren't the end of the world and that I could ride them out, I was able to manage them and basically shorten them. Soon I was having less episodes, and the ones I were having weren't lasting as long. I had developed tools to deal with suffering I was going through. I started doing yoga and meditating. I was feeling a little better and ready to end this never ending cycle. I soon realized that I had the tools all along to make me feel better. I was done searching for the magic cure out there. I had decided that I had seen every kind of doctor and tried every kind of pill and supplement out there. I was FINALLY ready to accept this prognosis. I have bi-lateral Meniere's Disease and I'm going to deal with it the best that I can. I can do this!

You can do this too! If you are going through a bad day, just know that there is a good day around the corner. My plan is to be able to share my tools to get through the attacks and talk about what works for me and what doesn't. I would love to hear your story too, and find out your tips. Hang in there! We'll get through this together!

Much Love,
Shanon