FEEL BETTER

Yesterday I received some good news. Actually great news. I should be ecstatic and relieved by this news but instead I'm feeling quite the opposite. Yesterday I found out that my application for long term disability was approved. Finally, after all those months of paperwork and calling doctors for medical information, and forms and emails and worrying over how we'll make it without me working. All of it is over, I was approved. Like I said I should be ecstatic, but instead after I heard this wonderful news I cried. I cried my eyes out. Not tears of happiness or of joy or relief, but tears of sadness. Sad because this is my reality. Sad because I can't work anymore. Sad because I don't want to be on disability, I JUST want to FEEL BETTER.


I got my first official job when I was in Junior High School. I worked in a daycare facility taking care of children. It was a good first job especially considering I had babysat for a few years before. It was a natural fit. It was also natural for me to be working at such a young age. While all the other 13 year-old kids were goofing off and playing video games, I was working. It was important for me to have my own money and to have responsibility. This is something that my parents instilled in me at a very young age. Working is a part of life and I happily accepted it.

I worked various jobs through high school and college. As a waitress, a cashier, even a telemarketer, which doesn't fit my introverted personality at all but I was good at it. I was good at every job I've ever had because I was a good employee. No matter how much the job sucked I gave it my all and never called in sick or was late. That is until I started having Meniere's symptoms. Eventually the vertigo episodes, the headaches, hearing loss and nausea got to be too much and as much as I hated it I called in sick to work. I missed work for numerous doctors appointments and came in late because I was too dizzy to get out of bed. It was painful. I don't mean physically, although the physical pain was there, but the pain in my heart hurt more. I hated not being able to make it into work. I hated asking other people to do MY job. I hated not following through on MY responsibilities. But now I have no other choice. Now my husband tells me that my only responsibility is to feel better. So that's what I'm working on. Trying to feel better. It actually may be my most difficult job yet. On my good days it's pretty easy, but the bad days are another story. Luckily my boss isn't too strict and understands when I'm having a bad day. Hopefully, one of these days I'll start having more good days than bad and I'll become a pro at this job. And eventually "quit" this job and go back to the working world. Until then, I'll just take it one day at a time.

By the way, the picture in this post is of a gift to me from one of Jeff's high school students. I've never even met her but she cared enough to make it for me when my health and spirits were really down. It sits on a shelf in my bathroom so I can see it every day and be reminded of the kindness of a complete stranger. If you know someone who is having a tough time with meniere's or any other condition be sure to send them a card or give them a call to say hello. You have the power to make their day a good day.

Much Love,
Shanon